showtime

well i have to get up at 4am and head to the hospital. for some reason i feel very nervous. when you're worried about something, you become hyper-aware of anything related to that something, thereby perpetuating the paranoid-ness. i guess a better word would be paranoia. i'm not superstitious, i think. but:

1.) the first thing i saw on the news today was a report on hospitals fucking up, specifically a woman's windpipe getting ripped open by the insertion of a breathing tube (which i'll be getting). her entire body became bloated with oxygen and she died.
2.) i got a letter in the mail last week from AARP, thanking me for requesting information about will-making, planning to leave my assets (LOL) to my loved ones, planning for funeral expenses, etc. i requested no such information, obviously, so this was creepy.
3.) i read craigslist missed connections sometimes, because they're alternately cute, poetic, disgusting, hysterical, etc. today someone posted something about death not being final, but rather being a portal to another dimension, etc. also creepy and not a missed connection.

in short it's easy to feel like the universe is reaching out to you in morbid ways when you're being subconsciously morbid. i might be a little superstitious. my chances of actually dying during the surgery are equal to the chances of a woman dying during childbirth. so, pretty slim. the risk lies primarily in the anesthetic, and that's what scares me. it's the idea that they put a needle in my hand, and then five seconds later i'm in a coma, breathing via a machine, and if i die, i won't even know it.

having said that, it actually helps immensely when people say "you'll do great." i was laying in bed last night at 3am and all i wanted to hear was a "you'll do great."

today i had lunch with brianne, and that lifted my spirits. she gave me stuff for the hospital: waterless shampoo (genius), chapstick, antibacterial wipes. it was very sweet. we're going camping in august down the cape, and this is the main thing i'm looking forward to. if i have the line out by then, i can even go swimming. the last time we went camping, we took a little blow up raft out on the lake under the stars. then shields got in the water naked and snuck up on us and tipped us over. it was awesome.

i think i'll do great.